


I Just Want You To Know Who I Am

by fromthenorthernskies



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Angst, F/F, It's the only thing my brain was able to manage in a whole month, Other, Princesses AU, Why Did I Write This?, highly inspired by a song in particular
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:34:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26455723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fromthenorthernskies/pseuds/fromthenorthernskies
Summary: A single chance – that’s all they both needed.But they weren’t living in a fairy tale. Here, nothing ended well – Gigi realized that while watching Jan’s fiancé come pick her up, take her arm and bring her towards the carriage to head back home.
Relationships: Gigi Goode/Jan Sport
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	I Just Want You To Know Who I Am

**Author's Note:**

  * For [astrodrag](https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrodrag/gifts).



> This is the only thing I was able to write in like a month. My braincells really said: no write. only daydream.  
> Also, disclaimer: I never wrote this ship before, and I barely write angst (especially if it doesn't end well), so bare with me.  
> Highly inspired by Iris from the Goo Goo Dolls (catch them references if you can)! 
> 
> I gift this work to the wonderful @astrodrag!! ❤️ I love you lots, thank you for being there always and I hope you don't mind me taking a few of the ideas we mentioned a while back regarding Jan and Gigi being princesses. Happy birthday, you beautiful, incredible human being and fellow mom friend! 🎉🎉🎉 Also: I wrote angst for you so you know I really care. 😂

The night was already nearing its end, stretching in a very irritating fashion for the only member left of the hosting kingdom’s ballroom. A majority of the royal families had already gone back home, like customs dictated. But one family, long-term friends or enemies of the hosts according to decades and rulers, were still there. From afar, Gigi could see their father, the king, discuss with his counterpart. They were recalcitrant allies due to the plethora of rebellions on their shared borders. Their mother and the foreign queen were nowhere to be seen, but the dark-haired royal knew they usually liked to walk in the snowy gardens. Gigi’s two older brothers, the real heirs of the kingdom, were probably preoccupied with their wives and children who had far too much energy for such a late hour.

As for Gigi… they were sitting there, in the almost empty ballroom, with a full red wine glass, sipping slowly. They looked bored and uninterested, but in fact, they were fixated on the same thing since the start of the night. Their blue-grey irises were riveted on the only other people left in the ballroom, the two princesses from the neighbouring kingdom. Jan, the oldest, and Lemon, the youngest, were both debating about something on a subject Gigi wasn’t too sure about, from the few ushered words they could hear here and there.

Jan had their whole attention – but who could blame them? The heiress to the eastern lands and vineyards easily attracted all looks, armed with beauty and charisma. Her blonde locks flowed in delicate waves up to her shoulders, and she walked with grace. But for Gigi, it was her golden personality, her almost-childish enthusiasm and her loud laugh that had charmed them right from the start. Ever since their first meeting, their first debate – a stupid one on the music from their respective kingdoms – Gigi was swooning.

The blonde heiress had all their attention, but Gigi knew really well that Jan had been engaged to a man from a fortunate family in her own kingdom, good friends of the royal family. Their own parents had laughed, once, that it was a shame Gigi wasn’t a prince like their brothers, because they could have sent them to marry Jan, turning their stormy diplomatic relations into a real powerful alliance.

Gods. How they wished that would have been true. Gigi had been daydreaming about this for years, how their life could have been _so_ different had they had been a man, a prince, like a good part of them wished on some days. The dark-haired royal could have had a chance at marrying the most beautiful woman of the continent and finally, get some respect. They could have had a chance at ruling the majestic lands of Jan’s family, all the while having a say in their home kingdom’s affairs.

They would have given anything to make that dream a reality. To have a chance to touch in public the only person that understood them, _the real them_. Not the hallucination, the illusion they showed others. Gigi knew Jan was the closest thing to heavens they’d have the chance to know, in a life full of unforgivable sins.

A single chance – that’s all they both needed.

But they weren’t living in a fairy tale. Here, nothing ended well – Gigi realized that while watching Jan’s fiancé come pick her up, take her arm and bring her towards the carriage to head back home.

The tall royal swallowed the rest of their wine in a single shot, tightening their hold on the glass, feeling it crack underneath the strength applied. Their stormy eyes crossed path with the sad hazel ones of the other royal, easily reading her dread about going back in them. Jan wanted to stay with them, and never going back to her own kingdom, especially with her fiancé.

Luck never was with them.

* * *

Jan was an expert in various subjects, including pretending everything was fine; that she was happy. She needed to keep face for her family, her younger sister who was so impressionable, and her subjects. Her opinion, in the end, had no real value. Every day, she listened and bowed her head, preparing for a life she never wanted. The blonde didn’t want to spend her whole life on the throne of _her_ kingdom, without real power because her future husband would rule it all. She didn’t want _his_ children. She didn’t want to spend her whole life regretting her choices.

Every day, she wanted to speak up and lead, to prepare for a life she desired. Jan wanted to spend her whole life on the throne of her kingdom, ruling over her subjects on an equal footing with her consort, a person she’d have chosen – chosen for their values, and their honour. Not for their money or bloodline. Jan wanted a big family, to raise children with the love of her life. She wanted to be happy.

_Jan wanted Gigi_. The third royal heir of their militaristic neighbours, they were the only person who saw her for who she was, what she wanted to do, and not for her physical appearance or her royal blood. Jan lived for the travels her family did – especially since her fiancé often stayed back in their kingdom instead, granting her all the freedom she craved.

Gigi was the incarnation of that freedom she was desperately clinging to, far from the chains holding her back.

Gigi, who defied their whole family without shaking in fear.

Gigi, who didn’t care about the royal obligations hovering above their head like a dreadful sword ready to fall.

Gigi, a few years younger, that was absolutely opposed to the idea of being engaged to anyone.

Gigi, who wanted _her_ , because she was Jan – _just Jan_ , not a princess, not an heiress. Jan, with her dreamy ideas and weird musical taste.

Jan was watching with dread her marriage day come closer and closer. She knew that her last familial travel to Gigi’s kingdom had been to announce the date to them. She knew. She had stayed on Lemon’s side for the whole soirée, afraid that if she dared leaving with Gigi for a second, to let them _touch_ her, she’d never come back to her homeland.

But that didn’t mean she wasn’t regretting her choice. That didn’t mean she wasn’t daydreaming about an alternate reality where she had enough nerve in her to do it. It was what she had tried her best to convey in a single glance, when her fiancé had dragged her outside towards the carriage to get back home. She had seen the searing pain in the typically calm blue-eyes of Gigi.

* * *

Gigi was happy to have been granted the chance to get a similar education as their brothers did, even if they would never have the opportunity to lead a kingdom like them. Their brothers had everything Gigi could have wanted – freedom, a choice, a kingdom, a _wife_. But they didn’t even appreciate their lives to the fullest. And meanwhile, Gigi was stuck in theirs.

They couldn’t handle this life anymore – not even twenty and already exhausted, used by the finely webbed string of lies. Gigi wasn’t _she_ , and they couldn’t even have Jan.

“Pray for the Gods’ salvation,” had always repeated the queen in a solemn tone.

Her mother was wrong. Gods had forgotten them since a long time ago. Because what kind of fair Gods would let their devotees suffer like this?

Armed with a map, a slightly rusty sword and a few rations, Gigi had already made their decision. Maybe they couldn’t marry Jan and reign with her on their neighbouring kingdoms. But they could fight and leave their royal life behind them. They didn’t want this, the wealth, the military standings. The dark-haired royal wanted a normal life, with someone who loved them for who they really were, both side of themself. They wanted someone who could braid their hair with them, because Gigi was never able to make her black hair fall correctly. They wanted someone who would listen to music from her kingdom with them. They wanted _Jan_ , no one else would be enough.

Maybe it was selfish, maybe it was stupid, but Gigi didn’t expect people to understand their decision. They wanted to have Jan’s understanding, to let her know they were there. After everything.

This was the story of how Gigi had found themself, in the middle of the night, nearby the castle of the only person that had managed to catch their heart. They didn’t expect Jan to take a notice at them, not really. They only wanted to watch her from afar for the last time, take it all in, before leaving for good. Far from their kingdoms, far from the temptation to make a move on Jan, and damned would be anyone standing in their way.

Gigi had never taken into consideration that Jan _might_ see them too. Like she was waiting for them, from her window. Gigi had never taken into consideration that Jan would rush out of the old castle, and head silently for the edge of forest.

“Jan?”

* * *

Jan was certain she was on the brink of insanity. She knew hallucinating things was _never_ a good sign, especially after her uncle threw himself out of the castle’s window, thinking that someone was talking to him. Or so did the rumour go. The blonde princess had always been sensible to horror topics, and Lemon found that highly amusing, often playing with her older sister’s emotions with scary stories.

So, when she saw Gigi, their long dark hair messily tied-up – the younger one could never do it alone correctly, mussed Jan – at the edge of the forest, _her_ forest, in _her_ kingdom, in the middle of the night, she was certain she was going crazy. Like good ol’ Henry had. Was she about to throw herself out of the window, too? Was it true? _Was Gigi really here?_

She needed to make sure. Jan changed her clothes quickly, shedding her dress for pants and telling her handmaid she was going for a walk. It wasn’t a lie, and it was also common for her – she knew the woods like the back of her hand. Jan loved to watch the limits between the two kingdoms she would never really reign over, especially not with someone she really loved. Her fiancé was sweet, but she wasn’t _in love_ with him. Her heart belonged to someone else.

The closer she got, the more Jan realized that it _really_ was the one on her mind all this time. Her pace grew more frantic, on the edge of a run. Now that they were so close, and _alone_ , she couldn’t hold back. Lemon wasn’t there to keep her away anymore, to make sure she didn’t blow up her destiny.

Without hesitation, once Gigi was in sight, she jumped into their arms, trusting them to catch her weight – which they did, even if they looked surprised. Jan felt their soft hands caressing her back. It was like a dream coming true. The blonde knew her tears were falling, without being able to stop them. It was their moment, the only time where they could live their truth without hiding, without having to pretend that she was happy in her daily royal life.

“Gigi, I thought I was hallucinating like uncle Henry, Lemon always told me that it was going to happen to me with all my daydreaming, and I told myself that if I could at least come verify if you really were here, I wouldn’t fling myself off my window, and…” Gigi had gripped her shoulders tightly, pushing her back slightly.

“Jan. Breathe. I don’t know what happened to your uncle, but everything is fine. I’m here. Really. I promise.”

Jan frowned a bit, removing a few stray tears from her hazel eyes. “ _Why_ are you even here? Not that I’m complaining, but…”

“I wanted to see you… I… Jan, I can’t live there anymore, in that lie, where I’m only a _woman_ and where even my bloodline doesn’t allow me to be with you. I’m leaving. Tonight.” The dark-haired royal hesitated for a second. “Come with me.”

“Geege, you know I can’t leave, I… my family is counting on me,” sighed Jan.

“Your family doesn’t care about your feelings, except maybe Lem! We could be free, just us, together. Nobody has to know. We could be _normal_ , I could be _me_. We could have a house, children, and animals. I’m even ready to listen to your musicians more than mine. You’re the only one who sees the real me, who sees through all the hallucinations, Jan, please,” begged the taller of the two.

Jan groaned, feeling a headache coming strong. She wanted this, _she had always wanted this_ – but she couldn’t just leave like that. Gigi’s hand on her forearm was searing through her pale skin, and she knew she wanted this forever, but _couldn’t_. She was the oldest, and she had to own it up. No matter how bad it hurt her.

“But we can’t,” simply murmured Jan. “We can’t. I can’t leave like this. I can’t leave the throne to Lem, she’s not ready, and you know that. She’s just a kid –“

“Jan, you’re the love of my life, I’d give everything to be with you, I’ll take care of you, we can help Lemon from afar too until she’s ready to take over…”

“But that’s not enough,” finally exploded Jan. “Don’t you see the responsibilities I have? I don’t want them! I don’t want my fiancé! I don’t want this! But I don’t have a choice, _unlike you_!

Gigi recoiled harshly at this, their blue-grey eyes narrowing, a storm of steel. “I see. Well, this is the last time we see each other, then. Goodbye, heiress of the throne. May your reign be lengthy and admired by all.”

“Gigi! No, wait, please, I…”

But the other royal had already mounted their horse again, leaving the blonde to fall on the ground, crying again but for another thing completely. She had just made the decision of a lifetime, and it was the worst thing she had ever done.

The chains around her were going to strangle her, suffocate her, until she was submitting down to the pain. Jan screamed, more akin to a pure howling of pain, absentmindedly punching the tree in front of her. She was at peace with the blood that was freefalling slowly from her long digits. She was alive and had kept her promises to her family – but at what cost? _Without Gigi?_ Jan cradled her injured hand close to her broken heart, closing her eyes as her head fell back to the trunk of the tree.

_Jan was the only one who understood who Gigi really was._

_And Gigi was the only one who really understood who Jan really was._

Maybe this was all a hallucination and she’d wake up tomorrow in her bed like usual. Somehow, Jan _knew_ it wasn’t the case. But she kept thinking it. Over and over. Almost believing it. Until next morning. Until next week. Until next month. Until next year. Until she died. Until she’d meet with Gigi again in the next life.

**Author's Note:**

> Send some kudos/comments if you enjoyed it (or if you cried, I don't know).  
> If you wanna scream at me, my tumblr: @fromthenorthernskies  
> Hope you have a good day/night, see you next month when my braincells work again (maybe).


End file.
